And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
