Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
