Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
