So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
