ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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