the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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