my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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