OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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