I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
