): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
