we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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