I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
