Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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