Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
