if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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