you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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