That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
