What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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