Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize