dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize