You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
