I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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