where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
