Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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