would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
