Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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