Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
