I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
ttyl tear gas
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
