I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize