Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
