Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Even my vagina gasped.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
