If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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