I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
