i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
