No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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