Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Randomize
