I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
