So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
