Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
