At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Did I show you my penis last night?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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