she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I need a burrito and a hug.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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