i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
