Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
