somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
