I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
