I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
