i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
