New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
