some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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