So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
