Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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