I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I am mentally ready for anal.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
