Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
