Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
