no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
