my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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