Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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