The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
