I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
