So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
