I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
