oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
