new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
