is your mom at the bar?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
