Small penises have feelings too.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize