Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
